May 2nd 2020

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Articles from this issue:

COVER STORY Gearing up to ditch free-trade policy

EDITORIAL Post-covid19, create a national development bank

CANBERRA OBSERVED Keelty water report misses the point on water shortage

ENERGY Pandemic has exposed our overreliance on imports

CARDINAL PELL Locating the golden thread

CARDINAL PELL High Court practically shouts 'not guilty'

FAMILY Dismantling myths around family tax benefits

REFLECTION Covid19 and the Church past, present and future

OBITUARY R.I.P. Bruce Dawe: poet of the people

FOREIGN AFFAIRS Doctors of WHO let the covid19 dogs out

INDUSTRY POLICY The rise and fall of Australian manufacturing and covid19

ASIAN AFFAIRS Politics done by stealth in the UN: China and the WHO

HUMOUR Get them hug-dealers off the streets

MUSIC Farewell to an Aussie jazz legend: Don Burrows

LOCKDOWN TV CLASSIC Unique, unsurpassed: The Avengers





NATIONAL AFFAIRS Crucial to get Virgin Australia flying again

Books promotion page

Get them hug-dealers off the streets

by Pat MacStuttles, Theobogan

News Weekly, May 2, 2020

There’s a new villain in Australian society today. The Socialiser! More than two of these freebooters get together for a “catch up” and the Riot Squad and SAS are called in.

They are organised criminals, these prolix punks, and they could turn up anywhere, coffee shops, tea rooms, beaches, ovals, cafés, shopping centres … always talking, talking, talking and dealing in their instruments of strife … hugs, conversation, chit chat, back slaps.

Another possible solution;

hairstyling is an extra cost.

New draconian laws have come into effect. But Your Theobogan thinks the authorities have pulled the wrong lever. This is no law-and-order issue, this problem is a rude health-type situation.

Socialisers are people too … and Australians. Drones, cops, fines, jail? Is this the way to deal with these loquacious scoundrels? Charging them? (They love holding court!) Banging them up in correctional facilities? You’re just putting them in Pent(up)-ridge! As soon as they’re out, they’ll be back to their verbose endeavours as before, only now armed with a whole new rap sheet.

I, MacStuttles, propose a radical solution to deal with these gregarious criminals … Safe Interjecting Rooms – a covid19-responsible new form of address. The Government should be providing a clean, secure venue for these teapot screamers otherwise you only force them underground, or worse, out onto the streets.

Give them somewhere to go or else mirth labs, farmer (talk at all) conventions and spruiking galleries will start popping up all over Australia. Do we really want social intercourse going on in full view of the little Aussie battler – the poor bloke won’t be knowing where to be looking!

The Safe Interjection Room has unique features: stone walling, roundtables and a special “hold the floor”. There’s a Blarney stone in the foyer and, with proper hygiene a necessity, soapboxes in abundance.

Rooms are staffed by hobnobbing professionals – dialogue coaches, philologists, hairdressers, professors of logic, baristas and barristers, and breakfast-TV presenters.

Sadly, my beautiful wife Joan has been caught up in the seedy underworld of the Socialiser. If only Safe Interjecting Rooms had been available then, we could have got her back to us much quicker, and without the tragic spectacle of her Darjeeling withdrawal and rendezvous rehab debacle.

This qualm-minimisation approach is surely better than the alternative. Socialisers leaving behind their hug paraphernalia, for all and sundry to stumble upon. Why, only last week Your Theobogan walking down a laneway, tripped over some used tea bags and a discarded sore-whinge.

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Last Modified:
April 4, 2018, 6:45 pm