April 18th 2020


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Articles from this issue:

COVER STORY Justice at last: Cardinal Pell set free

EDITORIAL Australia needs an economic reset after covid19 crisis

CANBERRA OBSERVED The very young can still be 'taken care of' during the covid19 outbreak

RURAL AFFAIRS A national disgrace: Our great land sale

NATIONAL AFFAIRS Use detention centres to help deal with covid19

GENDER POLITICS Do we really need to ask, what is a woman?

REFLECTION A chance for a change of heart: Covid19 as Memento mori

FAMILY Who let the kids out? The stay-at-home parent and covid19

ECONOMICS The oil cartel: The lesson for other industries from OEC

HEALTH Lessons from the 1918 Spanish flu epidemic

CULTURE AND SOCIETY There is a war: The battle in and for hearts

ASIAN AFFAIRS What makes China different is not the Chinese but the CCP

HUMOUR Locked down in Covi Town

MUSIC Great, er, swan songs

CINEMA+TV Staying in; staying sane

BOOK REVIEW Not our Robin Hood

BOOK REVIEW At home among others

POETRY

LETTERS

AS THE WORLD TURNS

CARDINAL GEORGE PELL FREE: The commentary file

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HUMOUR
Locked down in Covi Town


by Pat MacStuttles, Theobogan

News Weekly, April 18, 2020

Your Theobogan is in Iso. I feel fine but I came into contact with a bloke who came into contact with a bloke … you know the rest.

My Boss, Chester “Chupps” Rafferty (he’s a Kiwi) in facemask gives me the bad news: “MacStuttles I don’t want to see you for sux months!”

But heading home past the company BBQ area, I see Chupps, turning sausages, drinking and laughing with his staff. Face masks gone, party hats on. Struth! A conga line forms. The bloke who is supposedly crook is leading the charge. The quasi Covi carrier looks fit as a Mallee bull! Social distancing? More high-school social! Cabin fever? No, disco fever!

DI Father Bruce gives a fresh impetus to the phrase, “church gym”.

Home, in iso, with Joan and Drover the dog. On the front veranda we chill, with a bottle of goon bag Riesling on ice. A familiar sight comes down the road. Air brakes woosh. The huge truck from End of the World Enterprises is making yet another delivery to Dr Christian Sledger’s sprawling mansion.

The Doc, like a cosmonaut, emerges from behind his towering electronic gates. In full germ suit he directs the truckie: “Just drop the covid19 Doomsday Donga near the Climate Change Doomsday Donga … near The Catholics Take Over Again Doomsday Donga … got it?”

“Yes Sir, Doctor Sledger.”

Phone call. It’s Sledger, he’s looking over at us, giving us a second wave and singing: “Don’t you wish you had a doomsday donga like me … don’t ya?” He says: “Don’t think there’s any room in here for you, MacStuttles, but Joan, you’ve an ‘access all areas’ pass, my dear!”

“Yeah, good on ya!” I say.

We get skyped. It’s DI Father Bruce. “Hi Bruce,” says Joan.

“G’day, gorgeous, is the old man around?” Bruce is in his home gym. He’s got the Rocky music on and is belting the Be-Dawkins out of a coronavirus punching bag. “MacStuttles, while you’re in iso you better stay in shape (whack, whack) … I don’t want to see you going soft (ping, bop) … The Faith is not for wimps (bam, crunch) … or the lukewarm (bedoing!)

“Yeah no worries, Bruce.”

Puffing, Brucie wills himself on: “C’mon, coronavirus, take your best shot, punk, (bing, bing, pop) …

“MacStuttles, I’ve worked out this workout for the faithful, and law enforcers, in Iso. It’s cross/cop fit … fitness for cross and badge. Get to it, Macstuttles, and don’t bludge cos I’ll know! Bruce out!”

Detective Inspector Father Bruce’s Iso Maintenance Routine

Bench Bless                       3 sets of 10
Confessional Box Jumps                2x10
Russian (Orthodox) Squats             5x5
Crim Code Deadlift off Pew             2x5
Punk Takedowns                           3x8
Back Hyper Genuflexion               2x15
Power Clean & Push Prayers           5x5
Altar(nating) Arm(ageddon) Curls  2x10

I put the Rocky music on and start stretching … credulity.




























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Last Modified:
April 4, 2018, 6:45 pm