March 7th 2020


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COVER STORY Beyond the Great Divide

EDITORIAL Holden, China, covid19: Time for industry reset

CANBERRA OBSERVED Political promises on the Never Never never never work well for the nation

CLIMATE POLITICS Business joins in climate change chorus

FOREIGN AFFAIRS Divided Democrats will help re-elect Donald Trump

GENDER POLITICS Project Nettie: Science takes on ideology

FOREIGN AFFAIRS Myth-busting China's 'soft power'

FOREIGN AFFAIRS Covid19 outbreak hits China's growth, imperils Communist Party

POLITICS AND SOCIETY What should the champions of democracy care about?

HISTORY Putting Lenin on the train: History's biggest blunder

NCC CONFERENCE 2020 Strengthening family, freedom, and sovereignty in a hostile world

HUMOUR Hooray for our premiers

MUSIC Handel: A composer who knew the value of a quick turnaround

CINEMA Emma: Handsome, clever, rich

BOOK REVIEW Useful but limited analysis of the breakdown of distinctions today

BOOK REVIEW The successive possessors of the West's first printed book

EBOOK: READ THIS

POETRY

AS THE WORLD TURNS

NATIONAL AFFAIRS Cardinal Pell's appeal in the High Court this week

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HUMOUR
Hooray for our premiers


by Pat MacStuttles, Theobogan

News Weekly, March 7, 2020

At the High Command of the ALP (Australians Legally Perishing), two Premiers – Daniel “Way to Go” Andrews and Mark “Departure Lounge” McGowan. Euphoria, when their “Put the Struggling Punters to the Sword Bills” went through. Words like “progressive”, “compassionate”, “dignified” thrown at their Generals’ boots. From the Officers’ Club, Premiers Andrews and McGowan lap up the adulation.

Poor old Citizen X is in Hospital Pyjamas, off his tucker. Struth! It’s all getting a bit much. No worries. VAD to the rescue. X, in state care, taken care of, by the state.

But your Theobogan has questions. Which leaders promote VAD? What message is sent to little Aussie Battlers slogging it out in the parishes and burbs, farms and factories? What if these ALP Premiers were in charge of Australia’s Armed Forces? ...

Andrews/McGowan Military Academy Chaplain, Father Luke Warne, addresses an intake of fresh-faced recruits. In front of a big sign bearing the famous Combat School’s motto, “Don’t Soldier On; It’s Not Worth It”, Padre Warne says: “Recruits, Blaise Pascal wrote that if we are to be worthy of Christ, the least we can do is die like Christians. But that’s for the blessed, not us. Here, we ain’t going to take it, ain’t putting up with pain, and we definitely ain’t suffering for any mission, so let’s sing our Anthem, ‘Oh when the ain’ts go marching in …’”

Sergeant Vic Sandgroper barks warmly: “Recruits, life’s tough. You’re joining an elite warrior brotherhood with a proud tradition of sacrifice and mateship – winning many arduous campaigns against impossible odds.

Academy standard-issue
MM17s and F-12 cushion.

“But forget what you know about the Australian Army. Here at Camp Andrews/McGowan, we’re producing a new breed of soldier. We know it all hurts, the battles are hard … so over by that tank is the KEV (Knockoff Early Van). If you’re feeling cactus, raise your hand and Kev will put you out of your misery. He’s Kev, he’s here to heave-ho. No fuss, no unsightly scenes, we don’t wanna see busted up soldiers writhing around in agony still hopelessly trying to put in.

“Don’t tough it out men, just signal Kev and your war’s done, she’s all over.

“Let’s begin. First, Obstacle/Picnic Course, then Bundle Drop and later on Pack It In Drill. Left right, left right … Hang on, it’s starting to rain. Stand down, return to barracks.

“Get comfy, men, we’ll wait for the weather to clear. Use the recliner rockers and spas. Cushions, pillows, and throw-in towels are in the blanket boxes. Too hard baskets have marshmallows and melting moments; so, put the kettle on, Flaker Morant!”

Australia needs fighters. Join the Resistance: the line of least resistance. Enlist in the Andrews/McGowan Military Academy. Perhaps one day you too will be a Heart of a Rice Bubble Medal of Waiver winner, adding your name to Special Forces Battlegroup Ten Command Noes, the legendary Buckley’s Brigade of hard-as-snails Paradroopers.




























All you need to know about
the wider impact of transgenderism on society.
TRANSGENDER: one shade of grey, 353pp, $39.99


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April 4, 2018, 6:45 pm