October 19th 2019


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Articles from this issue:

COVER STORY Greta Thunberg: she's not doing it all on her own

EDITORIAL Time for Australia to rethink the neo-liberal experiment

RURAL AFFAIRS Queensland Labor punishes farmers to placate UNESCO

CANBERRA OBSERVED Morrison's 'positive' globalism has resonance

NSW ABORTION ACT Amendments annul some of the Act's worst excesses

GENDER POLITICS Doctors call for inquiry into childhood gender dysphoria

FOREIGN AFFAIRS Hong Kong's 'software' may be key to its survival

GENDER POLITICS Pornography and the transgender agenda

RIGHTS & FREEDOMS Transgenderism poses biggest threat to religious freedom

OPINION When Maggie (Sanger) met Mickie (Mann)

PHILOSOPHY The element of justice in economic practice, Part 2 of two parts

POPULATION Lifestyles and policies ensure population peril ahead

HUMOUR If atheism is the answer, what was the question?

MUSIC Good, better, Bach: The composer who consistently outdid himself

CINEMA Joker: From a heart in darkness

BOOK REVIEW Hope, more than economics, drives Trump voters

BOOK REVIEW A pushback against visceral unreason

LETTERS

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HUMOUR
If atheism is the answer, what was the question?


by Dr Christian Sledger, Blah Void University

News Weekly, October 19, 2019

A recent survey has indicated that most Australians are in favour of something called “religion” being taught in Australia’s classrooms. Why are surveyors asking plebs for opinions? They wouldn’t know if they were Galileo or Barry Manilow! All teaching of religion must cease, now! Brilliant men of science (like me) have totally discredited such “holy” reduction ad absurdities!

My neighbour, a coarse, dreadful fellow by name of Patrick MacStuttles, is an excellent example of a so-called religious believer and why schools should steer clear of compulsory religious instruction. I mean, he goes around calling himself “Your Theobogan”, as if he’s clever! What a cave man!

He explained to me one day, as I couldn’t get rid of him, that because he has no higher education or any qualifications whatsoever (no surprises there), he thought that “Your Theobogan” was an honest and accurate description of what he is: an amateur theologian, championing “going in to bat” (one of his myriad clichés) for Australia’s religious battlers.

MacStuttles’ “bogan” title is accurate, but “Theo”? All the “theologians” I know, down at my club, Narcissus, don’t even believe in God!

MacStuttles is a real buffoon. His motorcar, ersatz! Even his shambolic abode is vulgar and unrefined, just like him. The most astonishing thing about MacStuttles is his wife Joan, an elegant, gorgeous woman of cosmic charm and great beauty. Joan has a razor-sharp intellect and fabulous figure, nous and stupendous wits. She is an irresistible masterpiece of evolutionary attractiveness.

What the Richard Dawkins she is doing with an imbecile like her husband is a mystery of the universe that not even science can explain!

Nearly washing time … now, if I can just zoom in my telescope!

Joan, sweet Joan! Many times, I’ve tried to lure this voluptuous femme du monde away from her husband – with diamonds, stimulating conversation, status upgrade, sophisticated circles – nothing has worked. She’s stuck by MacStuttles through thick (his mind) and thin (his paypacket). Curse those archaic religious vows, she must be mine … I’m a Genius!

But back to business. If the Federal Government is going to insist on compulsory religious instruction in schools, then I have the methodology. Parents nominate, at enrolment, what “religion” they want for their child. Atheism should be the No.1 option. I already have formulated an inspirational study course.

Atheism Catechism, by Dr Christian Sledger:

Part One: Giant Fluke: You are a random, meaningless blob of star sludge!

Part Two: Equality: Everyone else is a random, meaningless blob of star sludge!

Part Three: Unmeant: The universe itself is a random, meaningless blob of star sludge!

Part Four: Morale: You’re the laughing stock of the universe! Useless, joyless, hopeless, leaderless!

Part Five Direction: Only atheist scientists like me can guide. Obey my credentials and erudition! Find the finance for my very high-priced course fees or stay rooted, where you are with all the other Neanderthal drifters! Evolve egregiously! Take control of your bleak future, learn my skillset!

My Atheism Course teaches students how to get around the fact that we humans are zeros zeroing in on zilch-land! Graduates emerge fully fledged, full of themselves; well equipped to handle the miserable emptiness of evolution (not like those religious blundergrads!)

NB: In the interests of scholarly fairness, I must make mention of the MacStuttles children. Without taking any of my courses, nor ever seeking my counsel, Pat and Joan’s kids grew up to be lovely, superb, kindly, poised, wise, respectful, beautiful, happy Australians! They obviously take after their Mother!

Dr Christian Sledger, Pointless City, Uncertain State, Australia 0000




























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