August 24th 2019


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Articles from this issue:

COVER STORY Biological and transgender worldviews are mutually exclusive

CANBERRA OBSERVED Can you have too much of a renewables thing?

FREEDOM OF SPEECH Professor Augusto Zimmermann addresses NCC WA on freedoms

NSW ABORTION BILL Clear and present danger to women's health

RURAL AFFAIRS Land-clearing laws render productive land useless and worthless

NATIONAL AFFAIRS Why an indigenous referendum is misconceived

POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY The post-liberal way: Make good use of the time in the wilderness

ASIAN AFFAIRS Hong Kong defies its obtrusive overlord

SPECIAL FILM REVIEW Danger Close: Australia's fiercest battle of the Vietnam War

HUMOUR Rage against the baked bean

MUSIC Riff wrap: The thing that makes it go 'pop'

CLASSIC CINEMA Dr Strangelove: Helpless fear turned to laughter

BOOK REVIEW The epic awfulness of Mao and his 'isms'

BOOK REVIEW From slave to son of the Church

LETTERS

POETRY

ZEG'S PLACE

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HUMOUR
Rage against the baked bean


by Pat McStuttles, Theobogan

News Weekly, August 24, 2019

Climate change extremes? Your Theobogan’s mates give up on baked beans! One of them rats out Drover, our dog, to the climate mafia: the Carbon Smarties!

Crime against green-inanity.

This mob actually shows up at home! Turns out I was late with my earth energy budget protection payments. Your Theobogan had a renewable energy target on his head!

 Alright, Drover’s probably blown a hole in the ozone the size of Tasmania but that was no excuse for what transpired. Joan lost her quince! She showed those climate gangsters what a real change in the climate looks like! And they thought it was already getting hot! I had to turn the hose, on Joan!

It started off as a quiet Saturday arvo. I was out the front pruning the roses, when suddenly, the barweatherians were at the gate. Climate mob boss Tony Coalbanno hops out of his electric tuk tuk.

“Time has run out, MacStuttles, where’s my carbon credits? I’m here, the hourglass in the circle!”

“You’re early, Joan’s catch-up with her sisters is not til Tuesday!”

“Don’t be an aerosol, MacStuttles! Obey the climate family: give up your fossil fuels!”

“No way, I love baked beans!”

“Macstuttles, don’t make me go geothermal! What are you doing about climate breakdown?”

“Shy mate breakdown? you mean Warren? Look, he’s doing OK at the clinic, making good progress …”

Afront the throng, the Climate Don keeps clanging: “No Planet B! Tell the truth, MacStuttles!”

“I always do, it’s the Ninth Commandment … Jesus is the truth, no planet BC …”

Tony loses it! “I’ve had a gutful of you climo-fascists, your toxic system owes us! Earth crew, go!”

The Carbon Smarties (freak)storm the house like a bunch of wild Kyotos! Some sticky tape themselves to the veranda. Several go around the back and chain themselves up to the Hills hoist. But my beautiful wife Joan is out there, doing the laundry! Everyone moves to the back yard. Tony spots Joan. “Bella Donna!” He starts singing Dean Martin tunes to her, in Italian!

Unimpressed, Joan tut-tuts, and breaks the protest mob’s chains, easily, with her bare hands. Then she makes the terrified climate activists hang out the washing!

Once done, satisfactorily (shake out, then peg), Joan eases back into the kindness zone. She gives the crew sandwiches, red cordial and a reading from the Bible. Tony’s a mess. He wants to hug Joan but spills cordial over her instead! A disaster! She’s wearing her (and my) favourite white top! It will stain! “Quick Pat, get the hose!”

In scenes reminiscent of our wonderful first trip to the carwash, I drench Joan. Her figure is as stunning as ever! Male mobsters not rainbow, gape in awe. Joan’s bust, magnifique! (And your Theobogan doesn’t even speak French!)

Jaws and hourglass-in-circle placards drop. There’s a real lady hourglass to behold! Joan realises her buxom transparency and modestly grabs a towel off the line. Only now she looks like an Octoberfest beer wench! Even more marivaudage! (told you!)

When the cops finally show up, every Carbon Smarty female and rainbow member sprint to them, rechaining themselves to the inside of the divvy vans! The blokes loiter.

These members of the Carbon Smarty grassroots movement volunteer to help with my grassroots. Gardening, weeding, mowing! All hoping for another glimpse of Joan!

Capo Coalbanno? Last to go home, with some roses and a bottle of pinot grigio. He left his heart at the house and looked like Kings Park in Spring!

Pat MacStuttles,
Theobogan




























All you need to know about
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TRANSGENDER: one shade of grey, 353pp, $39.99


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