April 23rd 2016

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Articles from this issue:

Euthanasia: Application of the lesson from cultural history (Part 2)

SPECIAL FEATURE Defence White Paper: Being defenceless invites attack

CANBERRA OBSERVED Banking inquiry suddenly top of Labor's agenda

EDITORIAL Turnbull's school funding plan will help Shorten

FAMILY AND SOCIETY SSCA embeds sexualisation of children in schools

FEMINISM AND FAMILY VIOLENCE Time is ripe to counter the bad-mouthing with truth

SEX EDUCATION "Gender identity" puts vulnerable kids in danger: Pediatricians

THE GENDER AGENDA When schools make Christian kids feel like the enemy

BRITISH POLITICS Corbyn: eccentric, yes; harmless, not so much

SAME-SEX MARRIAGE Dear LGBTQs, Christians want for you what you want


MUSIC Jazz: from common tongue to cliquey dialect

CINEMA The bleak dawn of justice: Batman v Superman

BOOK REVIEW Pius XII acts sub rosa

BOOK REVIEW Meet the new userers


Books promotion page


by Sebastian Gunlighter

News Weekly, April 23, 2016

Collision at writers’ festival

Please, sir, would you

sign the petition to allow

us to work on Sundays?

Fool a why, no officer. Got these fish back take have I away away there for eat after dinner cook every cake up Friday. Like, it’s bicycle tyred up away balloon pants in clown fit up out over under soup spout spoilt for four fore. Joyce, rejoice, Emmanuel Kant pull the finger out, Emmanual read, read emmanuel man, cool aid, band man, leave it after, got man to hair that out get I. I, ball, zup, per, class, terisk. There were no survivors.


Baby dies of old age

A baby, born in 1903, is reported to have died yesterday of old age. Authorities at the Malvern Home for Late Developers have declared themselves mystified by the seemingly impossible and indeed paradoxical incident.

“Well, one moment, she was just gurgling away happily, smiling and waving her little hands about; and the next, her breathing became hard and sawing, her skin kind of wrinkled and grey, her eyes went milky, and then she went still and rigid,” said Sally Fog, matron and gardener at the home.

The home’s director, Instant Page, said: “We have been trying to contact the infant’s mother, but, unexpectedly, it seems she passed away in the 1930s.”

Dr Polly Wonacraka, pediatrician and electric overarm ice-hockey champion for 1997, said he had never seen anything like it. Frank Daly, itinerant poet-laureate to the Dalai Lama and author of Fifty Ways to Lathe your Lather, also said he had never seen anything like it, and wondered out loud why on earth we thought he might have, as he only happened to be strolling past the home when our reporter accosted him.

Police have lost interest in the investigation and are taking a smoko out the back of the station.

Jigsaw puzzle lacks last piece

Terence “Taffy” Speowulf of 39 Walkind Crescent, Mulgrave, was consternated yesterday to find that a jigsaw puzzle he had bought at Chaddie, still in the box with cling wrap over it and everything, was missing its very last piece.

“I only found out when I came right to the end,” said the bereaved Speowulf. “After all that hard work, to find that the last piece wasn’t there! You’d reckon it would’ve turned up missing sooner, before I’d put so much of myself into assembling the darn thing.”

The puzzle, which portrays a black cat at night in a coal cellar, lacks the piece that Speowulf hoped would show him whether the cat had at least one eye open, or at least would give him a clue as to which way it was facing.

Speowulf may sue the puzzle maker for cousinage and drooping, but he also may not.


Old phone directories worth practically nothing

Avid reader and potato sculptor Florencio Halibut has been unable to interest any second-hand bookdealers in the Melbourne metropolitan area in purchasing his complete and near-mint condition set of Melbourne White Pages, A-K and L-Z for the years 1980–1999.

“I just don’t get it,” said Halibut at his Deer Park home last night. “I mean, these volumes are gems. I’ve enjoyed every single one of them. It was specially appealing to see the names of old friends, for that’s how I came to think of the characters in each, turning up again and again, in slightly different contexts, different parts of the columns, and so on; but always recognisably themselves. And, besides, the books are in practically perfect condition.”

A book dealer who declined to be named commented: “Yeah, this lunatic came into the shop a couple of weeks back and dumped I dunno how many blooming phone books on my desk. I gave him short shrift, I can tell you.”

Another dealer, Joe Shmaltz of Books Books Books Bookshop, said: “See those trees in the park? Yeah, well, he’s out of every single one of them.”

Jeremy Lightiron could not be contacted for comment.


Corporate news

Fishtail and Swoon, corporate philanderers and stick breakers, has announced its intention of floating the company on the stock exchange. A spokeswoman for Australia’s second-biggest unspeakable services providers, Amy Fiend, said Fishtail hoped to raise upwards of $2 million by an initial public offering of eight million shares at $50 apiece, but would not be absconding to the Antilles with it.

“Bob Krake, Fishtail and Swoon’s chief executive, and chairwoman Anna Krake (nee Ingroin) are a fine couple and I’d trust them with my life savings,” said Ms Fiend through clenched teeth.

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